Hello gentle reader and welcome to the BRAND NEW, ALL SINGING, ALL DANCING which chat wanker are you webpage! Like my museum of unlikely profiles this too reached a stage of popularity where Geocities decided they could no longer support it. The strain of three visitors in one day must have blown their servers into shards of hot metal and plastic so I sadly had to recreate the page, salvaging the original text. Deciding it was high time I gave my readership some new insights into the world of chat I braved the chatrooms once again and found that a whole new genus of chatter had emerged! Here there are some new chat wankers to go with the old ones. Like faery dust I have sprinkled them in between the old text so that you'll have to hunt for them and quite possibly read the same old nonsense twice. Because recycling is good for the environment.

 

A sincere thanks to everyone who has visited to date and please do keep those lovely comments / death threats coming because they do encourage me to occasionally update the site! So read on esteemed visitor and if you like the site tell others and if you spot anyone that I've missed please do let me know.

 

"sociallyinept32 dances wildly with unfriendlywoman445" or "emoti twirls around like some giddybadger whilst balancing a teacup on their nose". Such hillarity is best repeated so often that anyone foolishly trying to have a conversation drowns in a sea of emoticons. Likesome other animals Emoticon  will sometimes get into ritual mating mode and wildly spew emoticons at potential rivals. Some users have been so overwhelmed by this dazzling display of wit and charm that they've

been known to pull the plug out of their computers and go and read a good book instead. Needless to say Emoticon Khan's wide range of acrobatic feats are not matched by the person on the other side

of the screen as their legs have atrophied years previously from sitting on chat for ten hours at a time.

Saying: Emoticon Khan dances with everyone in the room.
Habitat: You get this one everywhere, lycos especially.

 

Mr and Mrs Agenda
Most people just randomly log onto chat and look for someone interesting to talk to. Often they fail and end up chatting to me instead. Mr and Mrs Agenda though have their own motives. Whilst

they will happily let you talk away to them for five minutes they will simply be waiting for an opportunity to launch into the conversation they are really looking for. Should you be unable to totally agree with this you can expect the conversation to dry up faster than a bucket full of water tipped on the sahara.
Sayings: "Yes I agree ASDA do indeed do a nice selection of bread rolls, but have you ever considered that our lord jesus christ died on the cross for our sins?" or "Yes the renaissance certainly did bring about several interesting new modes of art but have you ever considered killing my ex-husband for £1000 in cash no questions asked?" or "Its funny you should mention that, you're right - it certainly has been stormy weather lately which made me wonder, have you ever considered meeting someone off the net to be cooked alive and eaten by an insane german cannibal?"
Habitat: Anywhere, just when you least expect it.

 

THE ROYAL QUEEN OF IG
Luckily for everyone there is an ignore button on yahoo chat. Its purpose is to prevent messages from stalkers and selected idiots and we applaud that. The Royal Queen of Ig though takes matters

that extra step further, proclaiming to all and sundry that x or y has made it onto her (well, their) roll of shame. Why anyone would actually care either way we are not told. We can only assume

it is a desperate attempt to exude a sense of exclusiveness in the face of utter apathy.
Favorite phrase: Spazbrain56 is on ignore for...
Habitat: Pretty much everywhere.

 

The Proclaimer
Like the trap door spider the proclaimer will wait underground for someone to come into contact with them before striking. Should you be unwise enough to say something outragous like "hi, how are

you?" or indeed "ur butiful wud you lik 2 talk bout yer jubblys?" followed by an inane winking icon the proclaimer will spring into action. You will see your message plastered onto the main chat

window followed by a lengthy explanation of why the proclaimer wont speak to you, why you have irritated them and why you are, quite frankly a scumwad. Having performed this rite the proclaimer

will then lapse back into lonely silence with a smug grin knowing that he/she has taught you a valuable lesson about trying to start conversations with strangers in a medium designed expressly

for said purpose.
Sayings: "Freudianslippers: Good evening, how are you?" Sorry Freud I don't speak to people that I don't already know &I haven't already spoken to. You are therefore a scumwad please do not attempt

to contact me ever again as I am massively offended by your attempt to communicate with me. Please view my long list of likes and dislikes on my profile, which you will see include not liking being

spoken to. Now please leave me alone to chat in peace to all the many people who are on my friends list due to my cheery demeanor and charm. I hope you feel like a total **** as you rightly should.

At the very least everyone in the room will think that you habitually try to talk to people and any other proclaimers will be able to get a head start on writing their four page damnation of you to

cut and paste into the room should you move onto trying to talk to them.
Habitat: The silent underground.

 

THE NET HAG
Hag, harridan, witch - yes thats what you are. A grumpy woman from the North of England with a grudge against men. Pity that man that makes it past your illiterate rude exterior. Generally racist and ignorant as pig shit and to be seen on camera with a house full of messy kids wailing in the background while she clocks up her 8th consecutive hour on chat.
Favorite phrase: "fook", "anyone from notts?"
Habitat: UK 3 where the Net Hag will make it obvious that she knows each and every person in the room except you by crowing "Hugz bigboi3842732, hugz sweetguywithrose3243..." etc.

 

THE SAD MALE WANKER
You know what this guy's like, he needs a wank. He only cares about three things. ASL? Age, Sex and Location. He knows the best way to find his soulmate / wanking partner is to petition everyone with

his cry of ASL, ASL, ASL...
Favorite phrase: "asl?",  "r u horny?" or "swindon anyone?"
Habitat: Any room with an abundance of Net Hags.

 

THE ASIAN SAD MALE WANKER
Without prejudice most people who use chat recognise that there is now a sizeable  influx of men from the Indian subcontinent. These

generally follow the above rule but supplement it with such classics as 'we marry?' and 'you work?'.
Favorite phrase: "visa?"
Habitat: Any UK room.

 

MR ROSE FOR ALL THE LADIEZ
Ah Mr Rose, how did we ever cope without your charms. Simply charming with his rose icon for all the ladies this man will sit in a chat room and wait for a chance to agree with a female, even if

its something he has no idea about. He does this in the hope that one day one of them might be nice enough to reply to his messages. He's been too badly flamed to risk saying hello often but if he does he'll certainly have a rose for you.
Favorite phrase: Well said!
Habitat: Flits between hardcore bondage rooms, the teen rooms and UK rooms to cover all his bases.

Mr Free drink for you!
Internet anthropologists, like me, have noticed that Mr rose for all the ladies is starting to die out. One of the reasons for this may be the evolutionary leap to Mr free drink for you. Mr Free drink will generously offer people a free beer, or indeed the liquor of your

choice. This act of generosity is only slightly dampened by two things. One of them being that the beer is imaginary and therefore of little use, the second being that he - and it will be a he - will say it at least twice a minute in any room they enter in an attempt to gain popularity through the least effective form of bribery ever devised by mankind. An alternate theory on the decline of mr rose for all the

ladies concerns their total inability to form meaningful relationships with anything other than their right hand, therefore giving them somewhat of a disadvantage in the breeding stakes.
Sayings: Throws monkeybrain346 a beer!
Habitat: Quite simply anywhere where the following calculation is valid: Semi-attractive women > 0

 

THE NEW AGE HAG!
What could be better than a philosophy that doesn't actually need to be adhered to and is so wishy washy you can feel you are following it without effort or change? Say hello to the new age movement. This brand of hag is no different to the genus mentioned earlier, except she will have something like this on her profile "We each in all of us have a heart, show your heart to the world and give it away and it will come back full of good things..." blah blah.
Favorite word: Still fook
Habitat: As Net Hag, also rooms with names like 'yahoo witches 4 real' and 'psikicks room for telling the fuature"

 

THE WAZ UP UR ALL GAY KIDS
The standard prat, absolute pond life who float up to the surface the later you stay on. By 2am you can expect to see this fungus in abundance. It is said that this supernaturally ignorant shit-heel

cannot bring themselves to type a single word in full and that if they do they will vanish back up their own arseholes. Argumentitive and ignorant, more prevelant during school holidays.
Favorite phrase: U r all gay
Habitat: Net-wide after dark. Especially exciteable on giro day or school holidays.

 

DA PLAYER
He has a flashy sounding name, a nice line in patter but unfortunately WELL_HUNG_FUN_GUY_4_U is actually not a lot of fun. He has issues see. He doesn't get to see his kids now the ex has shacked

up with someone else and he's starting to realise he's become that sad balding fat man in the corner of the pub he used to laugh at. Thank goodness for the net! Now he can get it on with all

the ladiez! Well, not in reality of course but only in so far as he can wallpaper his ego with a picture of a lotus esprit and an imaginary life to match and some women will fall for it. Generally to be seen getting off with THE HAG as described earlier.
Favorite phrase: Hey, asl everyone?
Habitat: All over the UK rooms like the rash that ended his marriage.

 

Mr lost without yahoo
Yahoo chat is quite possibly one of the saddest sights you'll see these days. Once it was vibrant and full of friendly people all trying to be funny (and like me failing) but these days it is a different picture indeed. The mass of bots spewing out inane messages and PM's have caused most right minded folk to abandon it to exciteable 19 year old boys who believe that typing "anyone horni?" will encourage a conversation and some die hard net hags. This is a real shame as there are still a few nice people on there although I don't know why they bother anymore. They cling to its rapidly sinking wreckage not unlike the poor folk in raft of the medusa. Note that if you were

mostly smoking in the bike sheds or blowing the woodwork teacher instead of paying attention in art class you can look this fine picture up on google. Now though this sorry bunch of refugees, myself

included have migrated to other chats and boy are people ever aware of it. So what makes it obvious that you have migrated from yahoo chat? Many of those picked up by the good ship lycos chat will

still clutch their baggage to their chests in the form of a desire to say "hey, anyone want to show me their cam?" or similar. Dejected by the animosity they will face for such antics onboard a more

civilised craft many yahooers will dejectedly return to their sinking raft where they will struggle to find room amongst the many other exciteable young men who, like rats faced with ever decreasing

living space, will ferociously attack each other. One can only hope for a lethiathan of the deep to rise and take them all in one fail swoop.
Sayings: Lets see your cam! asl? How big are your jugs?
Habitat: Yahoo, briefly other chat mediums.

 

THE BAD FEMALE IMPERSONATOR
Women and men talk differently, its a fact. How many women do you know that would really say something like 'Waz up, u wanna cyber?' - not a lot hopefully. If your still in any doubt just

apply this simple rule. Is the picture glossy? A little too high quality? Does it have five brothers all jacking off over her naked body? Guess what, if it does that may not infact be a real woman your talking to. Also look for these other classic signs; she's bisexual, she works in a gym, her name is Laura or her picture only shows up to her neck and my she has big hands!
Favorite phrase: Anyone want to talk to an 18 f?
Habitat: Prefers lesbian rooms until hounded out, often to be seen prowling the rooms in search of the extremely gullible.

 

MISS SEEMINGLY PERFECT
Wow, you think - this girls really nice and friendly, she's lovely looking and seems quite balanced. Ah ha, hold on there my friend because they are sure to come out with the Miss Seemingly Perfect line soon..here it comes. Yeah, i dont know why all my other lovers left me. They just walked out on my in the middle of the night. Packed their bags, just vanished but our relationship was perfect...and i never did find out why. Whats that you say? Theres a big red flashing warning sign in your forebrain? Heed it, its not just there to warm your head.
Favorite phrase: "He just left in the middle of the night" and "today is the most fertile day of my cycle, want to chat and maybe more?"
Habitat: Pops up unexpectedly just as your about to log off.

 

SPAMBOT
Spambots not real, but shh it can be our little secret. Spambot is an automatic talker that usually posts a site link in the hope that you will follow it and purchase rejuvinated hair, porn or a larger penis. Generally this is done in the most cramped and uncomfortable bastardisation of the English language possible. Preferably in coloured writing because, well y'know thats how chicks write.
Favorite phrase: Webcam! Pix! Your not alone!
Habitat: Everywhere, often to be seen being serenaded briefly by mr rose for all the ladies but as soon as it talks even he knows he's onto a loser (again).

 

Mr fight club
Whilst I like to think of myself as an urbane wit who slips into chat with the intention of amusing people and having pleasent conversations (I realise I fail) some other people seem to march into

chat with the determination for a ruck that must have prevailed in the arena of roman times. These males (though there are female variants) will pick someone else, possibly of a different race but

failing that a different football club or county will suffice, and then rip into them with all their strength. The old adage that fighting on the internet is much like competiting in the special olympics in that even if you win you are still a spastic, appears to have passed them by.
Sayings: Did you come in here looking for an argument? Yes you did.
Habitat: Quite happy anywhere really, if encountered on yahoo they are likely to have a program to boot you off chat should you shame them by being able to reply in a manner that makes them look

like idiots.

 

The Word Shaver
Even I own a mobile phone, and as such I realise that for the small price of getting cancer of the ear and cooking by brain I can send text messages! This wonderful invention allows for

(theoretically) quick communication in a handy format. Having said that my phone is on T-mobile, the T standing for terrible I presume, and therefore my messages have been known to take upwards of

a week to arrive. It may be from this form of communication though that the word shaver comes. Word shavers believe that life is too short to type full words, better to knock off a couple of letters.

The upside is that you will save yourself .3 of a second with the only drawback being that you look like some kind of retarded monkey that has been let loose onto a computer. It is said that if an

infinite amount of monkeys were given infinite time they would eventually write the entire works of shakespeare. This rather unlikely scenario is quite wrong, what you'd get instead is "How u doin?

Wot u up to?" an infinite number of times.
Sayings: Hi how r u? Im k jus trimmin dese words so dat i luk like a total spaz"
Habitat: Sadly, they are just everywhere.

 

 

LOL (Laugh out loud) Generally used in place of laughter, if you are generating less than one lol a minute you're likely to be unfunny.

ROTFL (Roll on the fall laughing) Really? I've only ever actually had occasion to fall on the floor laughing twice in my life, however many people on the net will be doing this every ten minutes. Thank heaven for the easily amused though or I wouldn't get any visitors. 

PMSL (piss myself laughing) Um, lovely image thanks for that.

WTF (what the fuck?) Useful when viewing honest profile pictures.

BRB (Be right back) A good way of distracting the other person while you pull the plug out of your computer and vow never to return to chat for fear of seeing them again.

Geocities for deleting any site that gets visitors, no doubt a precaution against misuse.

 

Tripod for making their confirmation code letters you have to enter about as easy to read as one of those magic eye pictures.

 

Adfarm for spamming this site with their adverts.

 

Tripod again for making their HTML editor frankly idiotic. No, when I cut and paste I really DON'T need the whole text to be highlighted, cheers anyway.

 

Everyone who provided inspiration for this page by being special.